Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
