i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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