There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
