Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
