I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize