i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
