When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
