I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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