Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
