I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
