Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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