last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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