I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
try to milk me bitch
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
