If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
