Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
