How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
