Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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