I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
