and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
