you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
