I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
