I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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