im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
