if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
