good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize