You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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