Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
