Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
