I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
then he tried to convert me to islam
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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