He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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