someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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