I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
