You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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