you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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