dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
