Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
