He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I need moral support for this bender
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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