all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize