my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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