when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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