ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
