I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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