If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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