my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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