my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I will pee on everything he values.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
