I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
