Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
