how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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