It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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