I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
