so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
