i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
