I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
