I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
