That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
