Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
