final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
