Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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